Thirty Plus One

Today is my birthday. I’m 31 years old. Somehow, 31 seems like more serious business than 30 was. I mean, when you turn 30, people are still throwing parties for you in Las Vegas. When you are 31, your biggest party might be having both ice cream AND a snickers while watching rom-coms on TV. Partaaaayyyyy!

But seriously, the best part about 31 is that option two above is totally and absolutely my idea of the best time ever. Not that I didn’t love the big party in Vegas (I mostly loved the company I was with, but sparkly dresses and spending an entire day in a cabana ain’t too shabby), but I’ve learned over the past 31 years that I’m really a stay-home type of gal. I like elastic waistbands and t-shirts worn so thin from loving wear they look like they should be shipped off to the dumpster immediately. I think I spend so much of my working life dressed in uncomfortable, yet flattering clothing, there is nothing more fun and sexy to me than just laying around like Jabba the Hutt. I mean, how lucky is my husband? So lucky.

My 31st year has been a hectic one. Sometimes painful, sometimes glorious, and always changing, this year was full of more growth than most of my twenties all put together. I made a lot of leaps this year, both physically and metaphorically, and they mostly paid off. I left a job that was slowly killing my creativity, and started a new one that offered me the flexibility to really be there for my family. I gained and let go of freelance gigs, attended my first blogging conference, had my first article published and completed a photography project that was a long-held dream. I created an entire marketing program from scratch for my husband’s IT company. I hosted our first kids’ sleepover and both made and bought lots of treats for class parties. I held feverish babes while they slept and cheered when they accomplished their goals. It was quite a year.

This year has been a strange one for me in terms of personal, emotional and spiritual growth. I knew I was unhappy a year ago, but I couldn’t quite place where the unhappiness was coming from, as, honestly, my life was pretty great. One step at a time I changed bits and pieces of my life until I seemed to find something that fit…not perfectly, mind you, but in such a way I felt a comfort I haven’t known until now. I am working hard every day to be the person I am meant to be, and that person isn’t necessarily who I would’ve thought of a short year ago. I had to re-evaluate what is important to me and what must be a priority in my day in order for me to fall asleep with a smile on my face. Turns out my priorities are pretty simple. I want a simple life, one full of love and laughter, and free from the toxicity which plagued me for years. Before this year, I strove to always feel like the smartest or best liked person in the room. I spent so much time worrying what other people thought of me, and not nearly enough building myself up from the inside out. Turns out, in order to be the best mom, wife, citizen and person I can be, I have to love myself first. The old adage about the oxygen masks on the airplane is so true…you must first put the mask on yourself before helping others. Because what help will you be if you’re passed out on the floor? None, none at all.

So this year, I have spent some much needed time putting on my oxygen mask. And I’m here to tell you…it works. There is a life in me that I hardly recognize. Of course I sound dramatic, but it’s true. I look at photos of myself from only a year ago, and I see such pain in my eyes. Such sadness and a foreboding feeling of never, ever being enough. When I look in the mirror today, I don’t see that. Because no matter what thing I screwed up today or what mistakes I have made, I am a person who is worthy of love and happiness, and that is enough now. It wasn’t always, but it is now.

In my 31st year, I learned how to make mistakes and move on. I learned how to stay in each day, and stop worrying about what the future will bring. I learned all I can do is the next right thing at every moment. I learned to let go of the past. I learned that my worth is not based in how I appear to other people. I learned other people’s opinions only have power over me if I allow their thoughts to become my truths. I learned self-confidence and self-love. I learned that I am not perfect, but being a work in progress is a wonderful thing to be.

So, here’s to 31. I cannot imagine what my 32nd year has in store for me, but I bet it will be pretty damn amazing.

(The photos in this post were taken by the talented Nicole Coleman of Petit Soul Photography. She is a dream. These photos are my happy place. How peaceful and lovely and serene this life is…thank you Nicole.)