On Purpose

Lately I’ve been feeling a bit off in terms of what I’ll call my “purpose” in this world. Like I told my husband the other day, I’ve been in a funk where I look around at what I do all day, every day, and feel like I’m not making a difference. When I was younger, I knew that I’d spend my adult years working for change and good things in the world, but instead, like so many, I’ve found myself behind a desk at a corporate job, making money doing something I’m not passionate about. For years I’ve known that the reason I do this is so that my family can have a great life, and lately I’ve been feeling a bit sorry for myself. Sure, they have a beautiful home and lovely life (as do I!), but what have I (we) sacrificed for that to happen? For me, to be honest, the sacrifice has been great, though I haven’t realized how great until recently.

I’m still working on all of this, and my answer is different on a daily basis. Somedays I just want to chuck it all and start fresh. Other days I know that though my job isn’t totally ideal, it supports my family and that is a wonderful thing. Most days I hover between the two, not sure what I’d do if I wasn’t working at my job, but not wanting to stay stagnant forever.

I have wanted to post about all this for a while, but wasn’t sure if I should. I wasn’t sure if it was the smart thing to do, since I’ve found that a few people I work with read this blog once in a while. But not saying anything wasn’t being truthful either. I was having trouble posting anything in this space, since everything seemed like it was covering up what is really going on. And plus, my feelings are not a dig at the people I work with or what they do, they are amazing and wonderful and I’m so lucky to be a part of their professional family. I just need to do things that light me up. Whether it’s on my own time, or in my work life. Maybe it will be in a new career, or maybe I will find what I’m looking for in what I’m doing now. I don’t know. I do know that I have to keep looking or I’ll always wonder.