News Vent

Today, I am breaking some blogging silence to tell the mainstream media that they surely do need to give themselves an enema. Holy. Effing. Crap. I got on my selected news channel of choice’s website today and immediately wanted to throw my computer out a 12-story window. Why? Let me show you:

OK, so maybe you can’t read that, so let me tell you about the top stories online today.

1. “Papa John’s founder warns against eating too much pizza” (also seen as “Papa John’s Radio Gaffe) – Apparently, while in London promoting the British franchises of his restaurant chain, the founder of Papa John’s pizza told his interviewer that “Pizza’s actually healthy for you if you don’t eat too much of it. You can’t eat five or six slices but if you eat one or two slices it’s very nutritious.” Apparently that is quite the gaffe. A restaurant owner told people NOT to eat too much of what he produces. Instead of encouraging us to Super Size everything in sight, he told us to get healthy. How dare he?!

I say kudos to Mr. Schnatter for putting the health of his patrons before corporate greed and investors. This was not a gaffe, and I will be eating at Papa John’s (moderately, of course) because of it.

And also, isn’t the fact that eating six slices of pizza in a sitting will make you fat common knowledge? This isn’t a great scientific discovery, AP reporters.

2. “Recession takes toll on parties” – AREYOUKIDDINGME! Effing waaahhh you poor babies. This mentality makes me ill.

3. “Phelps suspended from competition, dropped by Kellogg” – Nothing pisses me off more than the idiocracy that has led to the marajuana laws in this country. Michael Phelps smoked pot. A 23-year-old male college student smoked pot. An athelte smoked pot during the off season. Get over it! Jesus, it’s pot. Not crack. Not steroids. Not even alcohol, which kills more people per year than pot does and ever will. While Kellogg’s certainly sees nothing wrong with pushing unhealthy amounts of sugar in to my two-year-old’s diet by shoving cartoon frogs and tigers down her throat, it has a problem with an adult man smoking (maybe, hasn’t actually been proven) pot out of a bong. Get off your high horse Kellogg’s. At least Michael Phelps isn’t smoking out of a bong with a cartoon cat on it, telling kids it’s GRRRREAT!

4. Octuplets’ mom: ‘All I ever wanted’ – Idiot. No money, no career, no partner to help raise the children, six other young kids already. Implanted SIX EMBRYOS! Idiot. And I’m talking about the fertility doctor, not the woman, as she’s obviously unbalanced and we don’t make fun of mental illness on CB dot com.

Wow, I feel better. Don’t you? Now let’s get out in this insane-o seventy degree weather and forget the news. If just for one, happy day.