Mean Girls

The other day I headed to Lulu’s school to pick her up after a very long workday. I was exhausted, both mentally and physically, from a long holiday weekend and the work pileup that resulted from it. I checked the classroom first, then realized that the kids were out on the playground and rushed outside to grab Lu, as we were (of course) running late for her first swimming lesson. On the playground I noticed two little girls being talked to by a teacher in the corner, while Lu and another girl were riding bikes. The other girl’s mother was there too, and as the four of us walked out of the playground, a teacher stopped us.

“I just wanted to let you know that the girls have had a rough afternoon. They [points to Lu, the other girl, and the two little girls in the corner] have been fighting, saying mean things to one another, basically a girl fight.”

And then, “I just really never expected this out of girls this young. The older girls, yes, but not these ones.”

The other mother and I just stood there, looking like we were in trouble ourselves, our heads hanging and mumbling “sorry” to the teacher who stopped us. We both told her that we’d have talks about being nice to our friends and the four of us shuffled out of the park. The other little girl yelled that she wanted Lu to come for a playdate, and Lu asked the same. We both said no, maybe next time, and exchanged a look.

When we got in the car for the trip home, I asked Lu what had happened.

“Well, Mia* and Jenny told Emily [the girl that Lu was playing with when I picked her up] that we don’t like her anymore and she’s not our friend and she can’t play with us.”

“Did you tell her that? Did you say anything to Emily?”

“No.”

“Were you nice to her?”

“I just stayed with Jenny and Mia. Emily got really sad.”

At that point, I almost started bawling. I mean, I was ready for an outsider, a nerd who reminded me of myself as a kid. But I never, ever expected I’d have to deal with Lulu being one of the mean girls. I’d always assumed she’d be the one on the other side, getting teased, not the one doing the teasing. And I couldn’t believe we were already talking about this stuff. I mean, she’s THREE!

After a few days to reflect (and many, many talks about treating people kindly), I’ve started to look at the situation a bit differently. I suppose a big reason is because Lulu’s daily teacher told me she’s had to talk to the girls several times about being nice, but Lucy always seems oblivious, and if she’s in the middle of it, it’s strictly because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She even told me, “I’d never expect that out of Lucy. She loves everyone. And everyone loves her.”

Another part of me has started to get a bit angry. I mean, why do we have to label these kids as “mean girls” at three and four years old. Why can’t females at any age disagree or argue without being labeled at all? I mean, geez, if these were boys, we’d be all “Well, boys can be boys,” but with girls we make a big deal out of it. I understand that boys and girls are different, and fight differently, but if a boy would have done this, I’m sure we’d just be thanking him for not hitting or resorting to violence. “Use your words,” we’d say. But when girls do it, they’re “mean girls.” Why?

I suppose all I can do is keep teaching Lu to value friendships and kindness, and continue to make it very clear that I won’t tolerate a “mean girl” in my home. I guess encouraging the nerd in her can’t hurt either. I mean, we don’t want her to end up all Lindsey Lohan-ed out at age twenty-three, right?