Archive for category: World

When you see a girl wearing capris (or guy, we don’t descriminate), please don’t say, “Oh, it looks like your pants shrunk.” It’s not funny. Seriously. Not at all funny.

Please stop cowaring in fear everytime I come home because you did something you know you weren’t supposed to do. Just stay out of the bathroom trash and stop chewing on the rugs, dog! And you absolutely must stop peeing when you see that I see that you’ve done something wrong. Peeing will not make me forgive you any faster!

When your giant german shepherd runs up to my dog at the park growling and trying to fight with her (as she rolls over and shouts, “Look, I have huge nipples! Please don’t hurt me!), don’t say, “Oh, he always does that to Rottweilers. It must be a defense mechanism. Get them before they get you.” Does it look like my dog is going to attack yours. Maybe after she wets herself and passes out.

Put your shirt back on. Seriously, no one wants to see that. No, I mean it. Put it back on or I’m leaving.

Yes, I am blond. Yes, I look nice today. No, you cannot touch my boob.

If you tell everybody stories about me peeing in the car whilst intoxicated, you better not be bitching about me telling the world you’re having a LAN party. It’s who you are! Be proud! I am a geek and my girlfriend can pee in a cup! I am not ashamed!

If I ever have a bachelorette party, nobody, and I mean FUCKING NOBODY, better make me wear any sort of veil made of streamers or tell anyone I’m getting married soon. How am I supposed to make out with the bartender if everyone knows I’m getting hitched?

My car’s oil should be changed automatically. And whoever broke into my car at the dog park should be drug out into the street and shot. But next time buddy, make sure you look in the envelope with the $100, then remove the cash, then leave, instead of just throwing shit around and emptying my swim bag.

A special shout-out to Matt Lauer for circumcising Tom Cruise on the Today show.