Happy Monday, Crazybananas fans fan! Today I’m going to tell you all about the fantastic movie I happened to catch on Oxygen this weekend (have I mentioned how much I love cable TV?). Do you all remember that movie, Center Stage? Well they made a SEQUEL! Starring Peter Ghallager and his eyebrows!
Just joking (Not about the movie, I did watch it. And also, not about the eyebrows.). You all know what today is… November 3rd, the day before the most important election of my lifetime. Or, at least, that’s what CNN told me. So in honor of this historic election, my buddy Abbie and I have decided to write closing arguments for the two presidential candidates. Abbie, my conservative comrade, will be writing her speech for Barack Hussein “NoBama” and my liberal, hipster ass will be writing for John “McRage” McCain. To learn more about why we’re doing this, click here.
Editor’s Note: This is a satirical post. If anyone leaves mean comments about either of the writers, I will come out of my computer and punch you in the nose. Abbie and I are the best of friends, and even though we don’t agree on political issues, I will surely kick the cyber ass of anyone who insults her. Or I may just delete your comment and stick out my tongue at you.
Abbie gets to go first, since I’m all about chivalry at Crazybananas dot com. Enjoy!
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Vote for Barack – By Abbie (aka NoBama)
My name is Barack NObama and I am the inexperienced radical socialist who may be your next president. I am the CHANGE WE NEED to ensure taxes are inevitably raised, government takes an increasingly high role in your life and your hard earned money is spread around like cocaine in the 80’s.The one place I am willing to drill is your wallet and….crap? Where did my teleprompter go? I forgot what I was going to say!
Joe Biden once referred to me, stating, “Presidency is not something that lends itself to on the job training,” but don’t worry, I will have a teleprompter to guide me. Hillary, my traveling pant suit sister, also stated, “Senator John McRage has a lifetime of experience that he’d bring to the White House and Nobama only has his speech in 2002.” I would like to address these mean comments from my own party by saying , ……….Damn it, I forgot what I was going to say. Where did that damn teleprompter go?
Since I don’t believe in having any political experience, I am going to get rid of Joe Biden as my vice-presidential nominee so that in total, the Democratic nominees have no experience at all. I would like to surround myself with people who are as incompetent as I am so there for I am naming a new running mate for VP – – Sean Combs, aka “Diddy” aka “Puffy”, aka “Puff Daddy.” I chose him because he will take no “Bitchassness.” The 0.5% of Hollywood who doesn’t wear my t-shirt surely will now. If I am lucky, Paris Hilton will come to my inauguration – that would be HOT. Since I really don’t believe in this thing called “patriotism,” I really hope Bruce Springsteen will sing at my inauguration instead of having to hear the boring old National Anthem. I won’t be holding my hand over my heart because I will be holding some blow instead. Let’s just move the Capital from Washington D.C. to Rodeo Drive. Who needs senators when you can have celebrities?
Don’t worry about old Biden, his last assignment will be to go to Iraq and wave the Democratic White Flag of Surrender. Lord knows I can’t go, I have no military experience. I might mess up my pretty boy image in a war zone. Oh, and Hilary will also have a job, she will be my teleprompter holder. It’s the least I can do since I stole some of the best concepts from her campaign.
Tax breaks for people making less than $250,000, I mean, $200,000, I mean $150,000, I mean, $120,000. Really, it will be for people making $42,000 or less like I originally voted for. Hell, I changed my mind. Let’s just raise taxes for everyone across the board.
Other changes I will make will include a new head of Homeland Security. I am happy to announce Bill Ayers will head up National Security while continuing his role as a domestic terrorist. I have also decided that I will form one national religion headed by Rev. Jeremiah Wright. My first task as President will be to put Bill O’Reilly to death for questioning me about the issues instead of giving me fluffy, no-substance questions like I am accustomed to. I can’t believe FOX News would not let me use my teleprompter! I will shut down FOX News so that the media is 100 percent dominated by liberal coverage. The girls from The View will be my new advisors, except for that Hasselback broad, she’s gotta go!
In regards to my Maverick running mate, McRage – must you blink 800 times per minute? Maybe Your hockey loving VP could let your borrow her famous glasses. Seriously, the blinking thing freaks me out. And is Mrs. McRage real or is she cut out of cardboard? Well, with all those kids, some parts must be real. Can we really have a vice president who has a lipstick wearing pig as a pet? Is there a barn at the white house?
So vote for me, NoBama because I am a President who will raise your taxes, bring no experience to the table along with a gaggle of questionable acquaintances, and lead this country down a path where we will be begging for a Republican President in four years.
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Vote for McCain – By Megan (aka McRage)
Thank you for inviting me to write a piece here on this website. I’m an unlikely candidate as guest poster, as I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to transcribe my words to this machine that controls the [finger quote] internets [end finger quote], but Sarah Palin’s daughter, Piper, offered to type this up for me on her new fangled computer machine. So glad the GOP offered to buy that for her, as every vice-presidential candidate’s daughter deserves a new laptop. Country first!
I come to you, readers of this blop thing (Bristol just told me this is called a blog, but I don’t think that’s a word, do you? Sounds communist to me.) during a very critical time for my campaign. Yes, the polls are down, but our spirits are high here at Camp McCain. In case you haven’t heard, I love to be the underdog. And hell, this is America! If a white, elderly, wealthy, son of the highest ranking general in the Navy can run for office against a black man from Hawaii and be the underdog, then this is a country worth fighting for!
And fight, we will. Trust me, there will be plenty of fighting when I become president. And it will be easier for all of you, my loyal supporters, to join us in the fight, as Sarah Palin and I promise to make sure everyone over the age of seven has a gun. As Sarah says, you never know when a polar bear could try to steal your dinner, so you’d better be prepared.
On that note, I also promise to drastically expand the U.S.’s offshore drilling plan, and use more of our natural resources to provide our country with all the oil it could ever need. We’ll be showering in oil over here! And another positive side affect, with all this drilling and oil consumption, the ice caps will continue to melt at record pace, so polar bears will surely become extinct, making Americans safer from vicious polar bear attacks. But don’t worry, America, you can keep the guns. (I just tried to wink at you, did you see that America? I need to get Palin over here to wink for me. OK, Willow just told me you can’t see me through this computer…I must remember to expand that domestic spying program to fix that!)
I know a lot has been said about my policies being so similar to President Bush, and that a vote for me is essentially a vote for him. I want to end that rumor right now. Although I did vote with him 90% of the time, I promise my presidency will bring change.
You like that, don’t ya? Cccchhhaaaannnnggggeeee. Say it with me! Change! Change! Obama is a terrorist! Change! Change!
Now, I will say that Barack Obama is a good, Christian man, one I just don’t agree with on the issues. He is not an Arab. Or a Muslim. But Barack [finger quote] HUSSEIN [end finger quote] Obama is a man with morals and values and…did you know he is very good friends with William Ayers? Like, super-best-friends. They totally have sleepovers and plot to blow up buildings and praise Allah and have pillow fights. Bristol wants me to say they’re BFFs, but I have no idea what that means. Willow just rolled her eyes at me. Damn kids.
Again, it’s not that Muslims are bad. Actually did you know that being an Arab isn’t the same thing as being a Muslim? And that Muslims can be not only Arab, but Persian, European, and American? And that Islam is actually an Abrahamic religion, extremely similar to both Christianity and Judaism? In fact, all three share the same God and many of the same prophets. Jesus Christ is actually a very positive figure in Islamic faith, as one of the great prophets, like Abraham or Moses.
Just kidding. They want to kill us! They are terrorists! Be afraid! Hide your children! A vote for Obama is a vote for the anti-Christ! The end of days is upon us!
So vote for McCain/Palin on November 4th. Unless you want to die and burn in the firey wraths of hell. In my opinion, the choice is simple. Are you patriotic and proud of your country, or do you want to end sunshine and destroy rainbows and make babies cry? The choice is yours.
