I Miss the Crazy Pills

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I am one lazy piece of crap.

I don’t know how else to put it.

I swear, I didn’t used to be this way. I used to be psychotic about what I had to do, and when I had to do it, and I had to be 15 minutes early or I would never get the job, and I had to get straight A’s or I would never get into college, and I had to be a leader on campus or no one would ever offer me more money to stay in college, and I had to be skinny or no boy would ever look at me, and, and, AND!!! Then I met Trent, stopped popping the crazy pills, and realized, MY GOD! No one really gives a shit what I’m doing or how I’m doing it.

Trent is the exact opposite of me in this way. He is one of those people that can give the smallest amount of effort, and succeed. He’s Clinton, I’m Hilary. He’s Sonny, I’m Cher. OK, bad analogies, since Clinton was almost impeached and Sonny ran his ass into a tree and died, but you get my meaning. Trent’s so god damn smart he can sleep in until 10 in the morning and come home at 3 in the afternoon and still get a raise, a bonus, a personal note from the CEO and a swift smack on the ass. I, on the other hand, give WAY TOO MUCH OF A SHIT what others think of me, so I work my ass off, only to get absolutely NOTHING in return.

For example, yesterday The Bearded Wonder returned reaking of NY funk and stale airplane air. He wasn’t feeling too hot, so he napped all afternoon. I wasn’t feeling to hot either. I have one of those “God Damn Colds That Shouldn’t Exist Because It’s Fucking Summer And No One Should Have Colds In The Summer” colds, which is making me sleepy, grumpy, and an all around asshole.

*Small sidenote: I just spilled an entire can of Diet Coke with Lime down my shirt. I am now royally pissed and I look like I’m secreting Diet Coke from my breasts. This post will only become more of a rant from here on out.*

Moving on, I was a grumpy piece of crap, but instead of calling in sick for the afternoon and cuddling with my two hairballs (including Molly) I went back to work. Why? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHY!!! Could they fire me for not coming back? Yes, but Friday’s my last day anyway. Could they say they won’t give me my earned vacation pay? Oh, wait, THEY ALREADY DID! Would they not like me anymore? DING, DING, DING! We have our answer folks, thanks for playing.

Today, same senario. Woke up feeling like my throat had been sanded down and painted with scary toxic paint. Nose considerably stuffed, drool marks covering pillows from breathing through my mouth all night. Lips chapped. And adding on to my misery was the fact that not only do we have no water pressure in our shower, now there is no hot water either! But did I call in sick? Guess? What did you guess? Seriously, what? OK, I won’t tease you anymore. Let’s just say, the only time I’ve been writing on this page lately is when I have nothing to do AT WORK. Gee, it’s a good thing I came in today.

At least I’m getting back at the system by not showering in the freezing water two days in a row, now causing my office to smell like a subway station. Damn the man!

*Another small sidenote: I realize that the above post makes me sound like a giant-ass grumpy bitch who is extremely selfish and an all around pain in the rump. True. But if you read closer you’ll understand that in all other facets of my life I have to be “Super-Crazy Nice Please Let Me Help Girl” and this is my only escape. So deal with it! Or stop reading. But if you send me hate mail I will send my vicious Rottweiler to eat your children. Or she may just ask you to rub her nipples.*

Doubletime.

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I will continue to post until they give me something to FUCKING DO at work. It’s like they’re trying to weed me out, like they do in those freshman year biology classes that are trying to flunk everyone who’s not going to be a professional microbiologist (Hi Dad!).

Also, have noticed lack in anything comprehensively adequate in Blockbuster lately (otherwise known as Trent’s computer). Found someone who apparently agrees.

If you’ve noticed the endless trolling and posting of other people’s blogs on this site, then congrats! You have a brain. You should be proud. I, on the other hand, have a very small blond brain that is VERY BORED and needs entertainment or I may just melt into primortial ooze like on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Heros in a half shell, TURTLE POWER!). So I’ve been spending my downtime (aka most hours of the day) laughing at how bored other people are. It makes me feel less alone. And God knows my insurance won’t pay for therapy, so this is the best I got. I guess I could always take vitamins.

Another thing I won’t miss.

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The papercuts.

I will not miss the dozens of papercuts on my knuckles and fingers and hands and forehead and belly button. No longer will my lime cutting abilities be impeaded by work-related injuries.

Yesterday, someone at my office came up to me (since everyone knows I’m leaving, now they all feel the need to come up and talk to me about it, so I get to expain over and over again how this was a good opportunity I couldn’t pass up and how it had nothing to do with the company and how bad I feel to leave, blah, blah, blah) and said, “What? You mean you didn’t go to school all of those years to be a secretary?”

EXFUCKINGACTLY!

Next Top Model, Construction Edition

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I found another one…

Strange, “what’s over there? Beyond my shoulder?” glance…check!

Clipboard, so everyone thinks I am an inspector of some sort and they don’t figure out my dumb ass should never be allowed on a job site where there are large mechanical devices which could possibly slice of my arm in one swift swipe…check!

Large, J-Lo circa 2001 hoop earrings, which could easily get caught in said mechanical device…check!

Extremely large Storm Trooper/Lego Man hard hat in order to protect my apparently tiny head…check!

Look of constipation…check!

I still may need the rum.

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Quick rundown of last 12 hours.

Went to volleyball game where we actually WON A SET using our never-fail technique of just hitting the ball over the net without setting up any kind of play. I tried to instill a new method of actually playing like all the other teams do, but then we started losing and I was overuled. Then we drank several (5???) pitchers of beer. Then I got very drunk, ordered massive amounts of greasy food and went home.

After my triumphant return home, I decided, once again, I am a mean drunk. I got home, got bitchy and Trent & I got in a rather large screaming match about me being drunk and bitchy (my defense was “you shouldn’t call me a bitch!” while waving my gun in the air). Luckily, no one was hurt, except for the dog who thought she was the bitch of the house and was deeply offended by the accusation that her position would be taken by anyone. She’s still not speaking to me.

After I STORMED OUT IN A DRUNKEN STUPOR, I went for a pleasant walk where I was, thankfully, not obducted by aliens or rapists. At least I don’t think I was.

Then I passed out. I believe Trent had to put the newly washed sheets on the bed while I was sleeping. Not a small task, but he is an incredible man.

Then, when my fucking alarm went off at 5:45 IN THE MORNING, I attempted to walk, and obviously, failed miserably. Spent most of the morning in the bathroom (not showering) and trying to speak real words outloud so that I wouldn’t be talking to this company CEO at 7 a.m. going, “Well (small pause while I vomit) , I think that I would be the biggest slut at your company. I mean assface. I mean asset!”

I guess all stories have a happy ending. She called. I didn’t say assface. I got the job. A bit less money, but much higher quality of life and I won’t want to cut off my big toe on a daily basis. At least, not because of work-related business. Also, I may be the first person to accept a job offer while sitting on the bathroom floor trying to decide which end this demon in my stomach is going to come out of.

Now I just have to figure out how to quit my other hell. I mean job.

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