I’d like to tell you a story about the amazing weekend I had. How my weekend was full of art and theater and attempts at understanding astrophysics. How I woke up bright and early on Saturday morning, and then spent the day doing crafts with my daughter and making homemade pizza. I would like to tell you all of that.
Trouble is, I’d be lying.
My Saturday morning was full, alright. Full of groaning when my daughter woke up at 6 a.m. Full of getting her breakfast bars and turning on movies and then rolling back over and sleeping. Why, you may ask, was I so tired? Blame Mara.
On Friday night, Mara the Fantastic and Wonderful decided to come out to my house and visit her dear friend, because she missed me so very much and couldn’t imagine going another minute without seeing my smiling face.
Just kidding, she actually came out because one week previous I had forced her to watch the amazing awfulness of Moonlight, a television series about vampires that was cancelled by CBS after one season, but for some glorious reason is shown in reruns on the SciFi network. Turns out I’m not the only one without a life, and our evening was consumed with the trials of Mick St. John, Vampire Private Investigator. Yes, really.
After Mara realized how incredibly awesome it is to watch SciFi on a Friday night instead of, you know, having a life, she decided to rent the entire season of Moonlight. Because one cannot survive without knowing if Mick St. John, Vampire Private Detective and Beth Turner, the lady he saved from his vampire wife when she was a kid, but she doesn’t know it, are going to get together. Understandable.
Turns out Moonlight was such a television flop, you can’t rent it anywhere, only buy for a hefty pricetag that Mara was unwilling to pay. Although she apparently is willing to drive 30 minutes on a bum tire to watch it on my DVR. Yeah, I’m not sure of the logic involved either.
After putting the child to bed, Mara and I retreated to the basement to watch our second (or third, there’s always Angel from Buffy) favorite vampire solve a mystery while somehow hiding the fact that he eats people. And then. THE. HORROR.
Friday’s showing of Moonlight had been cancelled. By a Battlestar Gallatica marathon.
{Who just laughed out loud? You can’t make this stuff up!}
As Mara and I held each other and cried for our dear Mick St. John, we had an epiphany. Here’s a recap:
Me: Doesn’t Twilight come out on DVD tonight?
Her: Megan, I am not waiting in line to buy Twilight tonight!
Me: Of course not! I did that with the fifth Harry Potter book and I’m never doing that again.
Her: You’re a loser.
Me: True. But what if Twilight does come out on my cable’s OnDemand at midnight?!
Her: stares at me….starts to smile….proposes marriage
We then proceeded to spend the next two hours trying to find something to entertain us until midnight. I made her watch last week’s SNL with Tracy Morgan as the host (Seriously, is there anything funnier than Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet? I mean, “I don’t even want to go to your tea party, stuck up cow!” Now that’s comedy GOLD, people) and she made me re-watch last week’s episode of How I Met Your Mother (the one with the suit-jamas and nightshirt). We found a Twilight movie drinking game online and began crafting our own rules.
Then, at midnight, it began.
AND OME! THE SPARKLY GOODNESS WAS TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!
And at 2:30 a.m. it was over.
I must admit, I felt a little dirty and ashamed. And tired. Especially when my husband found we had purchased it and chastised the fact that I’d already seen it a few times (okay, three, SHUT UP!).
But I couldn’t help it, alright! Yes, I may be one of those weird, somewhat frightening moms that has a crush on a 17-year-old fictional vampire AAANNNDDD a 16-year-old fictional werewolf, but it’s endearing, right? And who can turn away from Edward’s sweaty (I mean sparkly. Yes! Sparkles!) face? Try, I dare you.
Annndddd BOOM. I just died.
Now, for those of you that just don’t get this whole Twilight phenomenon (you’re still reading this? really?) I’d recommend you go here for the most wonderful recap of the series that I’ve ever read, ever, ever. Here’s a taste of what you’ll find:
Twilight in Fifteen Minutes –
EDWARD: SAY MY NAME, BITCH
BELLA: EDWARD
EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE
BELLA: ASSHOLE
EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE
BELLA: VAMPIRE, OKAY? VAMPIRE
And also, you can get buddy icons like these, which I wish I had in printed form so I could just hand them to people instead of speaking to them:
Can you imagine?
“Megan, you are needed in the conference room.”
“I don’t know, sometimes I doubt your commitment to sparkle motion…”
And if you still doubt the absolute awesomeness of Twilight, you can read interviews from the stars of the movie to convince you of its supreme fabulocity:
“When you read the book,” says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean, every line is like that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that’s how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he’s a 108-year-old virgin so he’s obviously got some issues there.”
And for that quote alone, RPattz is now officially added to My List, replacing either the ailing Steve Jobs or Harry, Prince of the Douchebags.
So, in conclusion:
Vampires are pretty.
Sparkles are fun.
Thank God I have friends that are as idiotic as I am.
And also…..
…….I’m now a cougar. RAWR.
