She’s such a prostitute. And apparently, a cheap one.
We took Molly to a groomer for the first time this weekend. She was “FURminated,” which is some sort of strange bath plus scary vacum-like blowdryer that’s supposed to cut down shedding 60-80%. Ha! I call bullshit! She’s got the looks of a Rottie, but she sheds like a full breed german shepherd. The hair! For the love of God! THE HAIR!
When you see a girl wearing capris (or guy, we don’t descriminate), please don’t say, “Oh, it looks like your pants shrunk.” It’s not funny. Seriously. Not at all funny.
Please stop cowaring in fear everytime I come home because you did something you know you weren’t supposed to do. Just stay out of the bathroom trash and stop chewing on the rugs, dog! And you absolutely must stop peeing when you see that I see that you’ve done something wrong. Peeing will not make me forgive you any faster!
When your giant german shepherd runs up to my dog at the park growling and trying to fight with her (as she rolls over and shouts, “Look, I have huge nipples! Please don’t hurt me!), don’t say, “Oh, he always does that to Rottweilers. It must be a defense mechanism. Get them before they get you.” Does it look like my dog is going to attack yours. Maybe after she wets herself and passes out.
Put your shirt back on. Seriously, no one wants to see that. No, I mean it. Put it back on or I’m leaving.
Yes, I am blond. Yes, I look nice today. No, you cannot touch my boob.
If you tell everybody stories about me peeing in the car whilst intoxicated, you better not be bitching about me telling the world you’re having a LAN party. It’s who you are! Be proud! I am a geek and my girlfriend can pee in a cup! I am not ashamed!
If I ever have a bachelorette party, nobody, and I mean FUCKING NOBODY, better make me wear any sort of veil made of streamers or tell anyone I’m getting married soon. How am I supposed to make out with the bartender if everyone knows I’m getting hitched?
My car’s oil should be changed automatically. And whoever broke into my car at the dog park should be drug out into the street and shot. But next time buddy, make sure you look in the envelope with the $100, then remove the cash, then leave, instead of just throwing shit around and emptying my swim bag.
A special shout-out to Matt Lauer for circumcising Tom Cruise on the Today show.
At least she didn’t eat the blade. Then we’d have some issues. I do like how she chose the pink razor instead of Trent’s blue ones. She’s such a girlie girl.
P.S. I am now so hungover that it took me about 3 minutes to write the word ‘dog.’ I kept writing ‘dod,’ ‘dot,’ and ‘dop.’ I am just so proub og muself.
My weekend was full of surprises. It was supposed to be a quiet one. It started out like this.
My original Friday night plans. We then moved on to drinking heavily with some of Trent’s friends from home (Hi Justin! Hi Josh!). I became known as the cockblocker (or as Josh so kindly put it, “not a cockblock, just a bitch). I then passed out facing the wrong was on my bed while watching Sideways. The boys then attempted to feed the dog some Skoal.
Then, after a drama-filled Saturday with Mikayla, Trent and his buddy Heath (boyfriend of Mikayla and self-proclaimed genius who’s graduating with his Master’s Degree on Friday, that bastard!) decided they truly do care very deeply for each other.
Then I was burned beyond recognition at Heath and Mikayla’s pool on Sunday. No, Mikayla, I didn’t get ‘color,’ I got extremely red and I can barely sit down. I am wimpering in pain as I sit and write this. Thank God for Sooth-A-Caine. I should be a walking advertisement for that shit!!! Whoever decided to put numbing agents in aloe is a genius. I will gladly bow at your feet Mr. Banana Boat. Actually, that would be a clever marketing ploy. Crazy Bananas and Banana Boat. I can just hear our Jamaican jingle.
Forgive me. I have no sense of humor when crispy.
We’ll begin at the beginning.
This is the frog that Molly ate.
This is the cord to the lamp that Molly chewed through after she finished up with the frog.
This is the ONLY Harry Potter book I have in hardback, which Molly acosted on several occasions before ripping it to shreds.
This is the plant that Molly began to eat after we finally put the Harry Potter book to high for her to reach. Like I need any help killing the household plants!
This is the window that Molly jumped out of when she realized there was no chance of reaching the Harry Potter book, the lamp thing had been done, the frog was dead and plants didn’t fight back. How boring.
This is the screen that Molly broke through in order to run wild throughout the neighborhood (twice!) after she became bored by all the household chewing.
The terror alert level has been raised to high. Everyone please take shelter. And may the force be with you. Yes, I saw Star Wars this weekend. And yes, I rented all of the others afterwards to see if they all really connected. And Hayden Christenson is one hot hunk of man meat. And I’m allowed to say that because Trent wants to boink Natalie Portman. And Molly has a strange resemblence to Yoda. Except when she’s licking herself. I don’t think Yoda had that kind of flexability. Or desire to lick himself for that matter.
