Nerd Herd Thursday: Everybody Poops Edition

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Look, two weeks in a row! I’m kicking this theme day’s ass!

OK, really I couldn’t think of anything to write that fit this nerd category. So I’ll tell you a story about potty training. That’s sort of nerdy, right?

Last week we started a new phase in the raising of the child, training her to use the toilet instead of crapping in her pants. I’ve had a bunch of mom friends and other people who apparently are interested in this stuff ask me how it’s going, and I guess I’d say it’s going pretty well. Especially since I’m not really the one training her.

See, Lucy goes to this progressive school in our neighborhood run by a Russian woman. This school is the absolute most wonderful place on the planet, second only to Disneyland, and that’s just because they have the spinning teacups. It’s hard to compete with spinning drink ware. Her Russian teacher is the exact stereotype of what you are probably picturing in your mind, strict, sharp and no nonsense. But the kids freaking love her. I guess there is some credence to the idea that kids like to be disciplined, because Lu loves her teacher and really has thrived since we sent her there.

All of this leads us back to potty training. Last week the teachers at school started taking Lu to the potty, although she was still in diapers. On Friday I was informed it’s underwear only from this point on, diapers will only be worn during naptime. Then I promptly forgot about this request until Sunday night on my way out to my friend Hayley’s house in Nowheresville, Kansas.

Trent and I spent a good portion of the drive to Hayley’s arguing over which Target was closer, and when I won (naturally) we headed in to the store to stock up on teeny, little panties that I assumed would be in the trash by the end of the week. There was only one problem. Apparently most kids Lu’s size aren’t potty trained, or if they are, refuse to use plain underwear. We couldn’t even find any with just shapes and boring colors on them. There were DORA! underwear and PRINCESS! underwear and THOMAS THE TRAIN! underwear and ELMO! underwear. All at the lovely price of $8.99 a pack. Granted, I’m normally not a total cheap ass, but hell, these underwear were going to ruined within hours and thrown away. What if I just keep her in diapers and throw $8.99 in the trash. Same thing, right?

So of course the only ones that Lucy wanted were the underwear with Thomas the Train, Elmo or the Transformers, and apparently, according to whomever designs children’s underwear, these are inappropriate themes for little ladies, as the aforementioned characters only came in boys briefs. Trent thought we should get them anyway, but I figured the Russian teacher would look at us a bit strangely when she took Lu to the potty and there was a hole in her underpants meant for a little man’s willy.

So we ended up with Dora, My Little Pony and mermaid underwear. And since then I have realized having a toddler in potty training is the same as having a newborn, the fear to go anywhere with the child is back with a vengeance. I’m so afraid Lu is going to pee all over a shopping cart or a stroller or a restaurant seat, we haven’t left the house in days.

And if being held hostage by Ariel underwear isn’t nerdy, I don’t know what is.

Lessons Learned

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Today Lucy comes home from an extended holiday vacation with her Grammy. Not having her around for a few days has been just plain weird. Weird because we’re going on with our everyday lives, but she isn’t in them (except via phone) and weird because I’m starting to see a bit of what my life would be like if the pill hadn’t failed three years ago. Here are my conclusions:

– Thank effing God that pill failed three years ago!
– I should make more of an effort to go to live concerts
– If you talk to people, they usually respond pleasantly
– My husband and I would have very little in common without Lu
– My job would be much harder if I went out drinking during the week
– I need more local friends
– Local radio celebrities that are forced to hang out with you for three plus hours do not count as friends
– Lucy gives my life a purpose that it would be empty without
– Life is good

Now I will return to counting down the moments until I can once again spend my evenings in bed watching Finding Nemo instead of rocking out at a Republic Tigers concert. All will be normal again soon.

Dear Lucy,

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Crazy Baby Loves Frogger

I miss you.

I know you’re having fun at Grammy’s house, but the house is too quiet when you’re not in it. No one has followed me into the bathroom today or sat on the floor talking to inanimate objects. I’m aware that Grammy’s house is fun and she has kittens to play with, but kittens smell funny and they could give you worms. So feel free to come home whenever. I mean, it’s not like we’re sitting around with nothing to do or anything.

We just miss you.

Love,
Mama

Haircut, the Conclusion

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A few weeks ago, I asked you all to vote and let me know if I should cut Lucy’s mullet in to a more acceptable hairstyle. Preferably one that doesn’t echo the memories of the Country Stampede concert my hometown holds every year, where there are masses of wife-beater tanktops and muffin tops out and about for everyone to see. Even though most of you told me to leave Lu’s hair alone, I ignored you and took her for her first little snip.

She loved the first few minutes of the experience, as she got to hold two giant, fuzzy, sparkly pens and was getting attention from every ovary-laden person in the place. “Ohhh, she’s so sweet!” “What a cutie!” Trust me, the child was happy.

First Haircut

But after the very nice lady with the scissors came back with a big black cape and draped it around Lu’s neck, the waterworks started. Therefore, this is the last picture I have of the experience…

First Haircut

I spent the rest of the time getting sprayed in the face with a water bottle, which Lu decided was the only thing that would make her stop sobbing. The minute the tears would well up again, I’d stick my face in hers and close my eyes, waiting for the stream of water that would inevitably be coming. Ah, the things we do for our children.

We left with some cute bangs and one mama that looked startlingly like a drowned rat. But now my little model won’t be doing advertisements for baby Wranglers, so I suppose it was worth it.

Lulu

A Splash of Summertime

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Yeah, I’m still reading. OK, let’s keep it real, I’m re-reading. Because I’m an idiot. So while I’m doing that, you guys can watch this video of Lu and I going down the pool slide for the one-hundred-and-twenty-first time last weekend. Try to ignore my giant, white behind, please.

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