Cultivating Courage

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{Photo via Andrea Scher}

I am not a naturally courageous person. I mean, sure, I’ve done brave things in my life. But in general, I am a person who tries to take the easy way out way more often than I should. For such a long time, I blamed it on the fact that I’ve been put in so many situations where I was “forced” to be brave, so when I had the choice, I wanted it to be easier. Well, you can imagine how well that’s worked out for me. (Read: Not so well.)

I’ve been working quite a bit on growing my courage this past year, and that, more than anything else, is what’s led me to the place I am today. Showing my vulnerability, both online and in person, and doing things that scare the crap out me have given me more opportunity and joy than I ever had doing things the easy way. It’s funny, the easy way is actually much more difficult than being brave…I mean, all that time regretting…ooof, it’s exhausting just thinking about it!

So you can imagine my excitement when I heard the fabulous Andrea Scher, creator of the Mondo Beyondo course and writer at Superhero Life, was putting together an online course focused on growing your courage. The course, called Cultivating Courage, starts on October 8th, and is a self-paced, 30-day program designed to teach the practice of being courageous in your life. I’m feeling a bit like I did before I started the Chookooloonks Path Finder course, which is a combination of terrified and thrilled, and I think that’s a pretty good sign.

If you’d like to join me in this inaugural session, please PLEASE click here. It’s going to be a wonderful time. Let’s be brave together.

Be Happy

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Be-Happy

I struggle every year to find words on this anniversary of a horrific event in our human history. I have written before about where I was, what I thought and how I’ve changed. But this year, I want to focus on how good life can be. The world is a scary, sick, sad place. Horrible things are happening all over the world as you read this frivolous blog post. But there is also joy. There is love and happiness and silliness and hope. If I’ve learning anything in the past year, happiness can make a sad world so much brighter. It sounds dumb, I know, but I really think finding happiness saved my life.

The #onefunthing project has been going on over at Instagram for a couple of weeks, and I’ve found it to be so healing and wonderful. Making myself take a photo of something fun every day has forced me to find the fun in things that would otherwise seem mundane. Here are a few of my personal favorites from the series:

Martini playdate. Score. #onefunthingGet in my belly. #onefunthing

Time at the ranch this morning. #horse #barn #onefunthingFarmers market flowers. #onefunthing

{clockwise from top left – martini playdate, macaroons for lunch, fresh flowers from the farmer’s market, an afternoon at the stable}

To those of you participating on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, thank you! Looking at all of your images makes me so happy, which was the entire point. When you upload those, you’re making me smile. So, you pretty much rule. Thank you for putting goodness and light into the world. That is what will sustain us through days like these.

Finding My Path – Part 6: On Keeping it Real (This is Hard)

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A few months ago I decided to be happy. Yay me! To catch up on the Finding My Path Series, click here. To figure out why this all started, click here.

Changes

The funny thing about being a mother is when you decide you want to be happy, you can’t just do whatever you want to get there. I mean, I guess that’s true of everyone, but for mothers, there is another layer of pressure, another layer of restraint that holds you back from taking a big leap. It seems as if I have spent the last few months focusing on myself and my happiness, but the truth is when you’re a mother, even when you are focusing on yourself, you are always focusing on others. One of main reasons I started this whole journey was because I had become an unpleasant person and caregiver, and my kids deserved better. So I decided to be happy, and that has changed their lives as much (if not more) than it has affected my own.

I know no one likes to hear whining, especially in a series about happiness and growth, but I’m going to keep it real. The last few weeks have been hard for my family. Watching your six year old cry because she’s so exhausted after spending seven hours at school and three hours at after school care is horrible. Getting another call from daycare that your son has passed out again and knowing you can’t run to his side is horrible. When your kids are unhappy, it’s really, really horrible.

Here’s the thing, I like working out of the home. I like being a working mom. I like the example it sets for my children and how it teaches them the value of independence, equality and respect. I like the balance it gives myself and my husband in terms of contributions to our financial future. I like the fact that I am finally established in my industry and successful in my field.

What I don’t like is feeling like I can’t be there for my kids. And I know this is a story told a million places on the internet, but for me it’s become a difficult thing to tackle. Mostly because I now know that I am working toward a career that will make me creatively happy, but it could take a really long time. Until I get there, and in order for me to get there, I will have to stay put for a while…and that is causing my children pain. My inflexible schedule and the amount of hours I’m putting in are causing them sadness. Almost all females I know in my industry who have kids and are at my level or higher have family in town that help out on a daily or weekly basis. If they don’t, then they almost always have a spouse who works reduced hours. I don’t have either of those things (though I must say, Trent has stepped up in a major way the past few months, but his job is time consuming as well, and there is only so much either of us can do…), so my kids stay with caregivers that we must pay handsomely, more than our monthly mortgage payment, to keep our babes happy and healthy.

It’s not working.

It’s hard for me to say that, for so many reasons, but a big one is that I’ll be seen as a traitor to the working moms of the world. I was complaining one time about these issues to a friend and she said, “But that’s your deal. You’re the working mom and you’re proud of that.” And I am (read: paragraph 3 of this post)! But I don’t love what I do…I do it because it pays my bills and contributes to my family’s financial freedom. And while that’s an awesome thing, it’s extremely difficult to watch your kids become stressed out and unhappy so you can go to a job that you find mildly interesting, at best.

I don’t know what will happen next, but if I’ve learned anything on this journey, it’s that by just trying, just putting yourself out there, great things can happen. As long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep climbing that proverbial mountain, I am doing everything I can.

Finding My Path – Part 5: On “To Do” Lists

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I am such a Type A person, it’s almost frightening. I have big problems just leaving things as is. I want to polish them up a little…you know? Make ’em shine. But in the past few years, that has really, really hindered me. I spend more time making “To Do” lists full of items I “must” complete (in a timely manner, of course) than I spend doing what I really love. I have been teased for years by my family for my absolute inability to not send a thank you card. Or a birthday card. Or a bat mitzfah card. Or a new baby gift. You get the point. I just want people to know how much I appreciate them in my life or how much I support them during a difficult time. And heck, sometimes I just want to make them smile. Trust me, I know all of these things are wonderful. I love feeling like I’ve made someone’s day with a little note of thanks or love. I mean, who doesn’t love getting mail?

But this “have to do” mentality has slowly crept into every facet of my life. Is there a free moment? Let’s design some new templates for the blog! Tate is napping on a Saturday afternoon? I should probably clean out the entire linen closet and reorganize by color! My schedule is so jam packed I find myself still sitting at my desktop at 11:30 at night, after working a full 12 hour day at the real life job? Well, hell, let’s write a post so I’ll be a bit ahead of schedule.

You get the idea.

I have a hard time saying no. When someone needs help with something, whether it be to proofread a brochure or to teach them how to use Photoshop, I want to help. I have been very lucky to have some amazing teachers along the way, and I want to pay it forward. So I’ve said yes, for years and years. The problem is, when you say yes all the time, people start to expect it. They are annoyed when you can’t help and pissy when you are unable to assist them. And then you feel more pressure and worry you’re upsetting everyone. It’s a lose-lose situation.

So, lately, I’ve been tossing the “To Do” list. Sure, I still take photos for friends or help out when needed with a project, but I’m learning to live as a Type B person. I mean, I still haven’t sent thank you cards for Lulu’s birthday, and at this point, I probably never will. Two weekends ago, Trent was home from work and we were so lazy, we were almost unrecognizable. Trent started to get a bit restless, feeling like he’d wasted the whole weekend. But me? I spent the weekend loving on my husband and kids. We went wherever we wanted, whenever we wanted. We didn’t do a bit of yard work or house work or errands. I freaking loved it.

Sure, Monday I was scrambling, but I’m learning it’s okay to be behind on your “To Do” list. Like, really, really behind. So if I owe you a thank you, please consider this my note of gratitude. Thank you. You’re the best.

Finding My Path – Part 4: On Happiness

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I have a confession, friends, and it’s not one that I’m very proud of. But it needs to be said, so here it goes:

I was unhappy for years, and it was all my own fault.

You guys, this was a revelation. I can’t even remember when it all clicked, but one day, after months of self study and journaling and research on happiness I came to the conclusion that I was the only person who could make myself happy. And I was unhappy. So who’s fault was that? Mine.

This is not to say that other people and circumstances cannot make you happy or unhappy. My kids make me happy every day. What I mean is that real, deep seeded unhappiness comes from somewhere inside an individual, and until you acknowledge that and take control over it, you’re never going to feel any better.

When I reached this conclusion, my first thought was to squash it. “No,” I thought. “I’m unhappy because of my job and my relationships and my circumstances” and and and blah blah blah. So for a while I continued to be unhappy. And then one day, I simply decided to try and be happy. Sure, I wasn’t totally thrilled with my life, but I was going to make the most of it, for one week, and see if I felt any change.

That week changed everything.


(image by Dallas Clayton, the happiest guy in the world)

That week I decided to “come from a place of yes” (via here) with everything that was thrown at me. My work requires me to do something I don’t enjoy? Yes, I’ll do it, and I’ll do it with flair. My kids want to do something that I don’t have time to do? Yes, I’ll try and look at it as a positive thing that they want me to do it with them. My husband is having a bad week at work and can’t be home to help out? Yes, I’ll take that challenge and instead of moping about it I will try to find ways to ease his burden.

Now, mind you, this is against my very nature. I have always been sarcastic and somewhat rude (even if I don’t project that to the outside world, save my best friends and family) and a unfortunately negative person when it comes to myself. I love to help others, but when it comes to my own life/problems, I’ve always seen the glass as half empty. I could never figure out why people had to make things so hard for me. Didn’t they see how overwhelmed I was? Couldn’t they understand?

But that day I decided, “No, they don’t understand. Because I don’t tell them.” So I did. When things were too much, I said so, instead of stewing in my anger and resentment, and making passive aggressive jabs. And guess what? People got it. They understood if I was overwhelmed or needed help, and did their best to assist me. I said yes to them, and they said yes right back. HIGH FIVING A MILLION ANGLES! (See here if you have no idea what that means.)

I know this doesn’t solve everything in my life. Happiness is not an end game, it’s a journey, and being happy is something I will have to continually work on for the rest of my life. But knowing that I am in control of my happiness, regardless of what life throws my way, is so empowering for me. It has made me happier in my marriage, my role as a mother, my job, and with my friends and family. This revelation does not mean I will say yes to everything that comes my way. When I come upon situations that I know will be unhappiness triggers for me, I try and come from a place of yes first. But if there are things in my life that are non-essential that are causing stress and unhappiness, I cut them out. I have spent too many years being unhappy to let someone or something bring me down. I choose to be happy, even if that means choosing to leave someone or something behind.

Here’s the thing: My new found happiness is making it easier to keep people in my life. The only ones who are no longer part of this crazy train are those who insist on drama and negativity, and force that upon other people. I am still sarcastic. I still have friends and family members who make me roll my eyes. I still curse more than I should. But I’m lighter now. That’s a direct quote from my husband…”You just seem, lighter.” That is a perfect description of how I feel. Lighter.

I know things will not always be perfect. There are still days when I fall into a funk and can’t seem to get out of it. There are days when I’m not sure how I will do it all. There are days when I fight with my husband and yell mean things that make no sense. Days where I’m impatient with my children and rude to my friends. But those days are fewer and further between. I have tools to help myself, instead of wanting everyone else to shut up and fix everything for me. I am saying yes to my own happiness.

Hell yes.

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I am planning on doing a full post at some point on what I’ve been reading/studying during this journey, but for now, here are a few sources of inspiration that led me to write this post:

A Place of Yes (buy here)
Dallas Clayton (website here)
7 Habits of Highly Successful People (buy here)
A Blog About Love (read here)
365 Grateful (read here)

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