Finding My Path – Part 4: On Happiness

I have a confession, friends, and it’s not one that I’m very proud of. But it needs to be said, so here it goes:

I was unhappy for years, and it was all my own fault.

You guys, this was a revelation. I can’t even remember when it all clicked, but one day, after months of self study and journaling and research on happiness I came to the conclusion that I was the only person who could make myself happy. And I was unhappy. So who’s fault was that? Mine.

This is not to say that other people and circumstances cannot make you happy or unhappy. My kids make me happy every day. What I mean is that real, deep seeded unhappiness comes from somewhere inside an individual, and until you acknowledge that and take control over it, you’re never going to feel any better.

When I reached this conclusion, my first thought was to squash it. “No,” I thought. “I’m unhappy because of my job and my relationships and my circumstances” and and and blah blah blah. So for a while I continued to be unhappy. And then one day, I simply decided to try and be happy. Sure, I wasn’t totally thrilled with my life, but I was going to make the most of it, for one week, and see if I felt any change.

That week changed everything.


(image by Dallas Clayton, the happiest guy in the world)

That week I decided to “come from a place of yes” (via here) with everything that was thrown at me. My work requires me to do something I don’t enjoy? Yes, I’ll do it, and I’ll do it with flair. My kids want to do something that I don’t have time to do? Yes, I’ll try and look at it as a positive thing that they want me to do it with them. My husband is having a bad week at work and can’t be home to help out? Yes, I’ll take that challenge and instead of moping about it I will try to find ways to ease his burden.

Now, mind you, this is against my very nature. I have always been sarcastic and somewhat rude (even if I don’t project that to the outside world, save my best friends and family) and a unfortunately negative person when it comes to myself. I love to help others, but when it comes to my own life/problems, I’ve always seen the glass as half empty. I could never figure out why people had to make things so hard for me. Didn’t they see how overwhelmed I was? Couldn’t they understand?

But that day I decided, “No, they don’t understand. Because I don’t tell them.” So I did. When things were too much, I said so, instead of stewing in my anger and resentment, and making passive aggressive jabs. And guess what? People got it. They understood if I was overwhelmed or needed help, and did their best to assist me. I said yes to them, and they said yes right back. HIGH FIVING A MILLION ANGLES! (See here if you have no idea what that means.)

I know this doesn’t solve everything in my life. Happiness is not an end game, it’s a journey, and being happy is something I will have to continually work on for the rest of my life. But knowing that I am in control of my happiness, regardless of what life throws my way, is so empowering for me. It has made me happier in my marriage, my role as a mother, my job, and with my friends and family. This revelation does not mean I will say yes to everything that comes my way. When I come upon situations that I know will be unhappiness triggers for me, I try and come from a place of yes first. But if there are things in my life that are non-essential that are causing stress and unhappiness, I cut them out. I have spent too many years being unhappy to let someone or something bring me down. I choose to be happy, even if that means choosing to leave someone or something behind.

Here’s the thing: My new found happiness is making it easier to keep people in my life. The only ones who are no longer part of this crazy train are those who insist on drama and negativity, and force that upon other people. I am still sarcastic. I still have friends and family members who make me roll my eyes. I still curse more than I should. But I’m lighter now. That’s a direct quote from my husband…”You just seem, lighter.” That is a perfect description of how I feel. Lighter.

I know things will not always be perfect. There are still days when I fall into a funk and can’t seem to get out of it. There are days when I’m not sure how I will do it all. There are days when I fight with my husband and yell mean things that make no sense. Days where I’m impatient with my children and rude to my friends. But those days are fewer and further between. I have tools to help myself, instead of wanting everyone else to shut up and fix everything for me. I am saying yes to my own happiness.

Hell yes.

—————————————————–

I am planning on doing a full post at some point on what I’ve been reading/studying during this journey, but for now, here are a few sources of inspiration that led me to write this post:

A Place of Yes (buy here)
Dallas Clayton (website here)
7 Habits of Highly Successful People (buy here)
A Blog About Love (read here)
365 Grateful (read here)

Meet Rainbow

There were quite a few items on Lucy’s birthday list that we just couldn’t provide for our little 6-year-old queen (note to self: when you take your kid to Disney World for a birthday they will expect NOTHING LESS for the rest of their lives). Even though we weren’t able to get to Florida this year, we did want to do something special for our little girl. And when I say we, I should specify, I mean the husband. The result was the newest member of our family, Rainbow the beta fish.

Rainbow

Rainbow seems to be adjusting well to our crazy home, except for those moments when the lights in his tank seem to be making him lose his little fishy mind. Oh, and I should mention that in our house, you must refer to Rainbow in the feminine. Lucy knows he’s a boy (boy betas are way more common than females as pets), but she just decided he is now a girl. Poor little dude. He just wants to swim in circles and instead he’s become the world’s first drag queen fish.

IMG_1911

I figure since I’m doing a family pet update, I should let you all know how the Professor is doing. Molly is getting pretty darn old, and it’s started to show. She can’t hear very well and her eyes are cloudy. Most days she just wants to lay by the steps, getting up a few times to eat or go the bathroom. She still barks like crazy at any type of delivery person and will lose her marbles if she sees you have food, so I think we still have a few good years left. She also tolerates our household terror, and for that, we will always love that puppy.

Why Women Still Can’t Have It All

Untitled

I just read this (quite long) op-ed on The Atlantic (thanks to @finslippy for the heads up) by the first woman director of policy planning at the State Department and, GOD, if this didn’t just hit the nail squarely on the head. A few passages that had me fist pumping, screaming “YES!” and shaking my head in wonderment:

Many people in positions of power seem to place a low value on child care in comparison with other outside activities. Consider the following proposition: An employer has two equally talented and productive employees. One trains for and runs marathons when he is not working. The other takes care of two children. What assumptions is the employer likely to make about the marathon runner? That he gets up in the dark every day and logs an hour or two running before even coming into the office, or drives himself to get out there even after a long day. That he is ferociously disciplined and willing to push himself through distraction, exhaustion, and days when nothing seems to go right in the service of a goal far in the distance. That he must manage his time exceptionally well to squeeze all of that in………Be honest: Do you think the employer makes those same assumptions about the parent? Even though she likely rises in the dark hours before she needs to be at work, organizes her children’s day, makes breakfast, packs lunch, gets them off to school, figures out shopping and other errands even if she is lucky enough to have a housekeeper—and does much the same work at the end of the day…………The discipline, organization, and sheer endurance it takes to succeed at top levels with young children at home is easily comparable to running 20 to 40 miles a week. But that’s rarely how employers see things, not only when making allowances, but when making promotions. Perhaps because people choose to have children? People also choose to run marathons.

——————————————————–

Long hours are one thing, and realistically, they are often unavoidable. But do they really need to be spent at the office? To be sure, being in the office some of the time is beneficial. In-person meetings can be far more efficient than phone or e-mail tag; trust and collegiality are much more easily built up around the same physical table; and spontaneous conversations often generate good ideas and lasting relationships. Still, armed with e-mail, instant messaging, phones, and videoconferencing technology, we should be able to move to a culture where the office is a base of operations more than the required locus of work.

——————————————————–

When I became dean of the Woodrow Wilson School, in 2002, I decided that one of the advantages of being a woman in power was that I could help change the norms by deliberately talking about my children and my desire to have a balanced life. Thus, I would end faculty meetings at 6 p.m. by saying that I had to go home for dinner; I would also make clear to all student organizations that I would not come to dinner with them, because I needed to be home from six to eight, but that I would often be willing to come back after eight for a meeting. I also once told the Dean’s Advisory Committee that the associate dean would chair the next session so I could go to a parent-teacher conference…….After a few months of this, several female assistant professors showed up in my office quite agitated. “You have to stop talking about your kids,” one said. “You are not showing the gravitas that people expect from a dean, which is particularly damaging precisely because you are the first woman dean of the school.” I told them that I was doing it deliberately and continued my practice, but it is interesting that gravitas and parenthood don’t seem to go together.

——————————————————–

The books I’ve read with my children, the silly movies I’ve watched, the games I’ve played, questions I’ve answered, and people I’ve met while parenting have broadened my world. Another axiom of the literature on innovation is that the more often people with different perspectives come together, the more likely creative ideas are to emerge. Giving workers the ability to integrate their non-work lives with their work—whether they spend that time mothering or marathoning—will open the door to a much wider range of influences and ideas.

——————————————————–

Christine Lagarde, the managing director of the International Monetary Fund, and Angela Merkel, the chancellor of Germany, deep in conversation about some of the most important issues on the world stage; or of Susan Rice, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, standing up forcefully for the Syrian people in the Security Council…….These women are extraordinary role models. If I had a daughter, I would encourage her to look to them, and I want a world in which they are extraordinary but not unusual. Yet I also want a world in which, in Lisa Jackson’s words, “to be a strong woman, you don’t have to give up on the things that define you as a woman.” That means respecting, enabling, and indeed celebrating the full range of women’s choices. “Empowering yourself,” Jackson said in her speech at Princeton, “doesn’t have to mean rejecting motherhood, or eliminating the nurturing or feminine aspects of who you are.”

——————————————————–

More at The Atlantic. It is a lengthy read, but it will knock your socks off.

Father’s Day

This is by far one of my favorite videos on dads…hope all you amazing ones had your love repaid in full!

And to my dad and husband, thanks for not only taking care of my kids, but me too! You guys are the best!

Untitled

Farm Wedding Wrap-Up

Wedding_weekend_hdr

Last weekend, under the huge Kansas sky and with the wind whipping at our faces, we watched as Trent’s beautiful sister was married to a wonderful man that is now and forever part of our crazy family. Sorry, buddy, that’s life! Lulu served as one of two flower girls (the other was new baby cousin Brooklyn!) and was so nervous to walk down the aisle by herself. I was so proud of her for sticking it out and making it not only down the aisle, but also standing in front of 200 people for the entire wedding. Lulu rules.

Wedding1

The first few days were spent turning the family farmhouse and yard into a beautiful wedding site. Trent’s other sister was married in the same spot a few years ago, so the family had some experience throwing a huge event at the house. Thursday and Friday were filled with people rushing around, putting up giant tents for the reception, delivering hay bales for the attendees to sit on, building an archway out of sticks and branches, putting together centerpieces and drinking gallons of iced tea. As always, I was marginally helpful due to a few crazy kiddos I had to keep an eye on. We also got to meet and hang out with baby Brooklyn for the first time, which was such a treat! I loved watching Lulu get to be the big cousin for once (all her other cousins are older) and fall so madly in love with the newest member of the family.

On Thursday all the girls got manicures and pedicures, which Lulu adored. Poor Grandpa was stuck watching the babes at home, and I think that was more exhausting than the wedding itself! That night Lulu and I went to a Ladies Cocktail Hour to celebrate the bride, where Lu basically spun around in the backyard for an hour and I drank wine. I’d call that a successful evening!

Wedding2

The rehearsal was the only time I even busted out my real camera, since Trent’s sister asked I take some shots for her. I’m glad I did, because I certainly didn’t think to do it on the wedding day (there was just too much going on to be lugging around that big ole’ camera).

Wedding5

The day of the wedding was hectic and crazy, but the bride was actually quite calm. Trent and I used our last wedding experience as a warning, and decided to have our babysitter come out and stay at the house, so we could enjoy the festivities without having to deal with a crazy toddler. This was probably the best decision we’ve ever made. She hung out with Tate until the reception, where he came out and showed off for everyone for 30 minutes, and then she put him to bed. She hung out inside in case he woke up and Trent, Lu and I were able to party down without worry. And when the time finally came for Lulu to head to bed, we sent her in and went back out to the party. Seriously. Best. Decision. Ever.

Wedding3

The ceremony was lovely and the reception was rockin’. The couple hired dueling piano players, who were a fun departure from the DJ or band that usually serve as wedding entertainment. We danced all night, and the bride even did a full rendition of the Thriller dance in her white gown. It was fairly epic. The best moment of the night for me was watching the first dance between the newly married couple, and seeing Lulu and her cousin slow dancing together in the garden behind them. Trent may have even teared up a little on that one.

Wedding4

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...