Why I haven’t written.

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My weekend was full of surprises. It was supposed to be a quiet one. It started out like this.

My original Friday night plans. We then moved on to drinking heavily with some of Trent’s friends from home (Hi Justin! Hi Josh!). I became known as the cockblocker (or as Josh so kindly put it, “not a cockblock, just a bitch). I then passed out facing the wrong was on my bed while watching Sideways. The boys then attempted to feed the dog some Skoal.

Then, after a drama-filled Saturday with Mikayla, Trent and his buddy Heath (boyfriend of Mikayla and self-proclaimed genius who’s graduating with his Master’s Degree on Friday, that bastard!) decided they truly do care very deeply for each other.

Then I was burned beyond recognition at Heath and Mikayla’s pool on Sunday. No, Mikayla, I didn’t get ‘color,’ I got extremely red and I can barely sit down. I am wimpering in pain as I sit and write this. Thank God for Sooth-A-Caine. I should be a walking advertisement for that shit!!! Whoever decided to put numbing agents in aloe is a genius. I will gladly bow at your feet Mr. Banana Boat. Actually, that would be a clever marketing ploy. Crazy Bananas and Banana Boat. I can just hear our Jamaican jingle.

Forgive me. I have no sense of humor when crispy.

The End is Nigh.

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Found in bathroom stall at work. Now my question is, what if you don’t wear shoes that tie? Are we exempt? Most of my shoes are slip on. What if you wear only velcro? Velcro is so amazing, it must have been created by Lucifer. So shouldn’t Velcro-wearers being waiting for their untimely deaths as well? What do you say to that, Preacher Man?! And what makes you think I am your friend? I have never even met you. You just creep around women’s restrooms leaving messages of doom. Seriously, I doubt you can call many people your friend. And members of your cult don’t count as friends!!

Goblet, it’s such a strange word.

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OK, time to get excited! Not only is Hayden Christensen a smoking hot hunk-o-rama in Star Wars Episode III (which I liked, though I think a true film gem would be putting Hayden right next to Harrison Ford…mmmm….Han Solo), but now there is a new trailor for Harry Potter!!! Yahoo!!! All geeks please stop shaking and take a breath from your inhaler.

Does anyone else notice how my site is starting to look like one of those scary fan sites? I’m not a celebrity stalker, I swear!

Ode to Molly.

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We’ll begin at the beginning.

This is the frog that Molly ate.

This is the cord to the lamp that Molly chewed through after she finished up with the frog.

This is the ONLY Harry Potter book I have in hardback, which Molly acosted on several occasions before ripping it to shreds.

This is the plant that Molly began to eat after we finally put the Harry Potter book to high for her to reach. Like I need any help killing the household plants!

This is the window that Molly jumped out of when she realized there was no chance of reaching the Harry Potter book, the lamp thing had been done, the frog was dead and plants didn’t fight back. How boring.

This is the screen that Molly broke through in order to run wild throughout the neighborhood (twice!) after she became bored by all the household chewing.

The terror alert level has been raised to high. Everyone please take shelter. And may the force be with you. Yes, I saw Star Wars this weekend. And yes, I rented all of the others afterwards to see if they all really connected. And Hayden Christenson is one hot hunk of man meat. And I’m allowed to say that because Trent wants to boink Natalie Portman. And Molly has a strange resemblence to Yoda. Except when she’s licking herself. I don’t think Yoda had that kind of flexability. Or desire to lick himself for that matter.

S&B Golf Tourny Jitters. Oh Crap.

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I hate khakis. I really do. I never thought I did, but I do. Khaki’s make me look like I have an ass the size of a small eastern European country. They also make me look like a bagger at a grocery store (sorry Hayley, but they do). I also hate forcasters who promise rain on the day of a dreaded outdoor event, and then THERE IS NO RAIN!!! Nice and cloudy, but NO FREAKING RAIN!!! Now the question is, do I hate golf? This I do not know, but I do know that any sport that requires you to wear khaki’s and polo shirts is a sport that should be banned from my life.

Today, I will embarrass myself in front of a bunch of engineers with little or no sense of humor. For the love of God, where is the RAIN??!!!

The Map as of 10:18 a.m. We leave for the club at 11:00. Can’t it hurry up a bit?!

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