Blond Archives - Page 82 of 87

I forgot to mention…

August 2, 2005/1 Comment/in Blond, Grumples, Trent /by Megan

THE SUNBURN.

The firey, uncomfortable, painful, scary truth of being a redhead (or in this case, a Red Beard) or an albino. If we ever have kids they’re going to be the ones that are allergic to the sun and have to wear special, floppy hats if they dare venture out into the world with the real people. Thank God, if they’re our spawn, they probably will be techno-geeks who would rather live in the Internet world of make-believe anyway.

The sunburn didn’t seem too bad on Sunday. Once again, I was foiled by the tan, summery onlooker saying, “Oh, you look a bit pink in the shoulders, but not too bad.” Thanks, DAD! Just because I didn’t inherit the tanning gene dosen’t mean you should sacrifice me to the Sun Gods! You’d think will all the professor-ness and NASA training you could diagnose a simple case of sunburn.

Sunday night Trent and I slept with two fans and the air conditioner blowing on us, along with frequent applications of Soothe-A-Caine. Again, thank you God for Soothe-A-Caine. You truly are a loving God, amen. Yesterday, we didn’t fare much better. And when my sleepy ass rolled over mid-dream this morning to give Trent my early-morning bear hug/strangle move, we both screamed out in pain. At least he doesn’t have to wear a bra. Bras are tools of Satan in normal, everyday life, but add in a scortching sunburn and bras are like living forever as an immortal in HELL!!!

Also forgot to mention the constant expulsion of gas this weekend. We thought the dog was so sweet to sleep the whole way home, but I think she may have passed out. I actually had a fart wake me up in the middle of the night. I won’t tell you who’s. That would be gross. And shame on you for wondering.

Mikayla promised this guy I’d put him on the Internet

July 30, 2005/1 Comment/in Blond /by Megan

Notice how uncomfortable I look. I really do not like people in my bubble. Take A STEP BACK, PINK SHIRT GUY! Charming. This is why Mikayla should be IN the pictures, and I SHOULD TAKE THEM!

And for my readers amusement…

THE. HORROR. My body has apparently been taken over by zombies from the LBC. Word. To your mother.

I apologize to Heath for this post. I’m sure it’s not up to par, but I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to keep my mother from driving my boyfriend so insane this weekend that he takes my dog and my wireless Internet access and leaves me forever. There are bigger things at stake here Heath! I promise, hilarous antics of the weekend will be relived for you on Monday.

Pinot Philosophies

July 26, 2005/2 Comments/in Blond /by Megan

A few nights ago I went back to my old college town of Lawrence to visit a friend who is starting school there (Hi Mara!). I am so jealous of her I almost want to kidnap her and place her in a small fishing village in Korea, never to be seen again, while I take all of her classes and re-live life as a college freshman. Only 11 a.m.? I’m going back to sleep BITCHES!

Anyway, I went to go spread my jealous vibes and also to see yet another friend who’s moved to Lawrence this summer. It is a very sad trend when your best friends wait for you to move away from a town before even considering moving there. Maybe I should be nicer to my friends and not make fun of them on the Internet?

We go out to eat at Mad Greek, one of my favorite restaurants in the world, amen. They sell Peroni, the Italian beer that I used to buy in the form of 40s in Florence. I was a hard-ass thug roaming the cobblestone streets with my 40 and armed with a cell phone with international service. LOOK OUT WORLD! Mad Greek makes me think, if just for a moment, that some things don’t just exist in Italy, but everywhere. And at least here, I don’t have to order in broken, insanely horrid Italian, constantly breaking up sentences with “no lo so” and “non posso parlare Italiano bene.”

We eat a lovely dinner of beer and pasta and then head out to another one of my favorite college dives (Insert Unpaid Advert Here) Henry’s. Now, being out with these two girls is different than most times we go out. Usually, our bitchiness is easily overshadowed by the more chipper members of the group. But when it’s just the three of us, we don’t, suprisingly, get many people asking for phone numbers. Maybe it’s Amber’s evil glare or Mara’s eye rolling or the fact that I am constantly spilling drinks all over anyone in a 10 foot radius even when I’m not drunk, but we’re not exactly a welcoming group.

This is why we all had a stunned look when a short, latin man with a nice rico suave/mullet haircut and a bandana came up behind Mara and TAPPED HER SHOULDER. WITH ONE FINGER! Now, this man had been on the deck with us for quite a time, and was a very obvious and open homosexual. There was another nice man with some short shorts and there was a bit of rubbing going on. So I was very surpised when he came over, asked to buy a cigarette from Mara (which she gracefully gave to him for free, I think she was too stunned to do otherwise) sat down right next to Amber and stared strait at me.

Imagine the next speech in thick accent, not unlike Fez from That 70’s Show:

“I have a question for you. Love? I was just telling my friend over there [with the short shorts] how love is just a memory. A memory of the feeling you get the first time you touch someone for the first time. The feeling you get inside when you talk to them. It is just a chemical in your brain that makes you feel good, so you spend your whole life trying to recreate that feeling when you first touch. This is all love is? Is it not?”

Silence.

“Well, that won’t sustain it. You have to truly care for another person, because you can’t stay together just based on a feeling. It may begin like that, but it can’t sustain for a long period of time.”

Mara and I stared at Amber, dumbfounded.

“What? It’s true.”

And they say the Grinch’s heart grew three times it’s size that day.

What was I thinking?

July 25, 2005/2 Comments/in Blond /by Megan

Saturday night. Tequila shots. There was “breakdancing.” In public. Need I say more? I hope to GOD that no one had a video phone.

Foiled again.

July 21, 2005/2 Comments/in Blond /by Megan

Last night I rented a movie, which must not be named because it was a movie I had already seen with a certain friend who made me watch it with a bunch of girls. When I watch sappy movies with females (or males or monkeys) I tend to get extremely embarrassed. Yes, I can say “bonk” and “ejaculatory specimen” in a library, but I do not like watching sappy movies with others. My signature move is the “Face Hiding in the Neck of the Shirt.” I look like a turtle who’s in time-out. Ask anyone who’s watched Sex in the City with me. It’s especially bad during kissing scenes. The worst are the ones without a soundtrack so you can hear all the smacking and slurping. Ughhh. It makes me want to vomit.

So, last night I watched this particular movie for the second time. The first time, with all of the females, I made several penis jokes and made fun of the whole movie. I was actually told, by a very good friend, that she would NEVER watch a movie with me again after that experience.

To this friend: I watched it last night. Alone. Bawled my eyes out. Then put on my boyfriends football jersey (????) and went to bed. Unfortunately, the football jersey did not have the stimulating effects that I had hoped for. All it did was make my boyfriend think of high school football, which did not, surprisingly, turn him on. And then he couldn’t sleep. I really need to work on my foreplay techniques.

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