Straight Out of a Woody Allen Script

A car breaks down on one of the busiest streets in the city. A big-ass pregnant girl gets out and attempts to push the car into the closest parking lot. In heels. Then, to the rescue, employees from Office Depot, the store to which the parking lot is adjacent, come running out of the store. Nametags and blue smocks flapping in the wind. They push the car into a parking space, and then wish the pregnant girl luck in getting it fixed.

The pregnant girl in the high heels realizes her gas gauge is broken. Maybe that’s the problem! She grabs her purse and walks 4 blocks, in high heels, to the nearest gas station. She buys a gallon gas container and a king size Three Musketeers. She fills the container with gas, and then heads back to the Office Depot, spilling gas all over her jeans, purse and high heeled shoes, but manages to save the Three Musketeers bar. She fills her tank with the gallon of gas. And, after an hour, she finally gets her car back on the road.

And I still can’t get the smell of gasoline out of my nose! My baby is going to come out smelling like petroleum.

A Daily Dose of Funny

By now, everyone knows I have a few websites that I surf almost daily, and when I find something good I post links on this page. I try not to do it too often because it makes me feel like a copycat and a lazy bastard who can’t think of anything interesting to write myself. True.

So through Blurb, Dooce, leahpeah, and all of the other sites I read almost fanatically, I’ve found The Daily Mumps. I think it’s preparing me for child-raising more than birthing classes and What to Expect When You’re Expecting

Some favorites:

The eyes are up here pal…

Children are needy…

Three things to say to Milton when his snowman melts…

We warned her…

Tough love…

What the hell is going on!

OK, so last night being very sleepy and grumpy I wrote a very large entry with a lovely photo of a ceramic angel wearing a “Baby Girl” necklace.

Question: Where the FUCK IS IT?!

I must have preveiwed the entry and not saved it (?) though I’m not really sure. I swear, it was very amusing. I guess I’ll just re-post tonight.

Apologies.

Why do I do these things to myself

Today, I left the house wearing….brace yourself….a headband. Yes, a headband. Like the one I wore in 1993 to my school’s picture day. I look ridiculous. This morning, in all of the snowy goodness, I just did not feel like jumping in the shower and freezing my ass off. And I knew I wasn’t going to have time to dry my hair, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to go to work in a foot of snow with wet hair!!! So, I looked in my hair accessories basket (yes, I have a hair accesories basket, no it is not alphabetically ordered) and found this black headband-thing. I thought, hey, it’s not that bad. I have to wear a hat anyway, so I’ll have weird hair no matter what.

I was right. Beyond right. Not only do I look weird, I look LIKE AN IDIOT. CIRCA 1993! All I need is some pink leggings and a large polka-dotted shirt and I could be on 90210!

Not only that, but I have a really bad headache, which I think is being caused by the headband. Either it is too small, or my head is too big. Or possibly both. I’m going with Option C.

Happy Turkey Day

Today we’re heading off to good ole’ Yell, Tennessee. Yes, there is a place called Yell in Tennessee. We’re going to visit Trent’s dad for the holiday. Should be a hootin’ hollerin’ good time. Poor Molly can’t come with us, as she is obviously a terrorist threat and should not be brought on an airplane. She just may rub her nipples on the security personel, and then we’d be thrown into a CIA secret prison. And I will reiterate, my baby does not like CIA secret prisons. Instead, Molly Moo is going on her first big road trip with her boyfriend Satchel, Heath and Mikayla’s puppy. Actually, I’m not sure I can call him a puppy anymore as he is slowing growing to the size of a small horse. Mikayla is the most awsome-ist of all awsome as she is taking Molly home with her to Iowa. Why she would volunteer for this task I have no fucking idea, but I’m going to keep my mouth shut as I’d like to get on the flight without Molly getting us detained by any government agency.

In other news, I have become a housewife. Since the nausea and fatigue have passed I can no longer sleep and must be constantly busy. Hence the Christmas wonderland and the chocolate cheesecake cupcakes (try to say that five times fast) I baked last night. Yes. I baked last night. And I came in to work at 7 a.m. On purpose. What the hell has happened to me?!

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