Best Laid Plans
“Hey, I think the baby’s up.”
“What, it’s only 6:18! You woke her up!”
“I did not wake her up, I’m late, I have to go.”
“Man, I had plans to poop and take a shower this morning.”
Overheard at the Optometrist
Middle-Aged Woman: Hi, it’s me again! I’m baaaack! I know, you didn’t expect to see me again so soon did you? But here I am!
Glasses Fitter Person: Hello, um, again (?), how can I help you.
MAW: I just looooved the glasses I got last time, but I really think I need something red. More like an accessory actually. The blue ones are great, but I have a red bag I just loooove and I need a pair of glasses to match.
GFP: OK, let me see what I have.
MAW: Oh, and I just had platic surgery.
GFP: Um, OK.
MAW: I’m not a victim of domestic violence or anything (laughs, loudly), just had my eyes done again. You know how it is.
GFP: Here are a pair.
MAW: Are these the Calvins? No, no, I said ACCESSORY. As in Prada. Red. Thanks, daaaarling.
(I puke over in the corner. End scene.)
What’s grosser than a three day old hamburger for lunch?
I’m not sure. Right now, my lunch of the three-day-old hamburger seems to be extremely gross. But it’s possible there is something grosser.
Like roadkill. Or the smell of old people. Or a toilet that stays clogged all day long.
But right now, it’s definitely the three-day-old burger. My cubemates agree. I can tell because I can hear them retching from the smell.
Wow, I love working again.
Live Party Blogging Part 1
I’m not stressed out. I’m not stressed out. I’m not stressed out.
It’s my new mantra.
And I think it’s working!* I do! Really! I swear!
*Or it may be the fact that I’m already drinking.
The Great American BBQ
Where can you find BBQ, cake (if you hurry and beat the rush), trash cans dressed up to look like clowns (extremely frightening), lots of canned Budweiser, a mullet or three, husbands beating their wives with blow-up baseball bats, one drunk Mikayla and a blond woman who is a very impressive skiball player.
For example…
