Archive for category: Blond

I am a busy person. I have a kid and a job and a husband that suck up a majority of my time. I also have this little website that seems to need an obscene amount of cuddling. And I take way to many pictures, whic subsequently must be edited and tweaked and pretty-fied. I also have a dog that insists on pooping only during walks and never in the backyard, ensuring that any free time I do find myself with is spent in the freezing cold yelling “Just GO already!”

So once in a while I like to set up a friend date. Definition: A night out with a good friend wherein you at no times have to think about how they are going to accost you in a drunken stupor later in the evening requesting dirty deads. May include a movie, dinner, drinks, and a small amount of debauchery.

The other night I had a friend date with my good buddy, Lane. Now Lane is the kind of person who is childless, yet married, so she has plenty of events and social gatherings that she attends on a regular basis. She also does not have a pet, so rarely is she screaming at anyone to hurry up and poop. And on top of all of that, she enjoys most of my guilty pleasures like MTV’s hoard of reality television and Britney Spears circa 2001, and does so with reckless abandon. Whereas I am a bit embarrassed by the amount of Entertainment Tonight I watch in a week, Lane would shout it from the rooftops. Except she’s not much of a shouter. And I’ve never known her to climb rooftops.

As most date nights do, this evening started out with an obession over what to wear. Classic? Fancy? Dress? Casual? Crap.

In the end, I decided to go with some easy-fit Limited jeans (aka Mom Jeans) along with my favorite and most comfortable J. Crew sweater. That I bought in 1998. When I still had money because my mother paid for my clothes. But I love it, despite it’s awkward…ummm….antique quality.

Note: When taking a photo of oneself in a mirror, one most always strike a fierce pose. Make Tyra proud.

Final steps to getting ready for a fabulous friend date includes finding a great pair of shoes and some delicious perfume.

Even if said perfume is near the bottom of the bottle, squirt out some air from the bottle onto yourself. And call it good.

The next step is to make sure your babysitter (or husband) is on time. Because it really sucks to be late.

Hopefully your date is understanding (as mine was) and you spend the next hour bitching about jobs and husbands and life. A very cathartic experience, enhanced by accessibility to alcohol.

Then hop in your date’s hot Mitsubishi for a ride to the theater….wait….that’s not a Mitsubishi!!!

This car doesn’t even need a key! Or a person to drive it. Or a man with no sense of direction, due to the onboard directions. Did I mention my date sucks. And is dumb. And sucky. Bitch.

Good thing we saw Penelope, a movie about finding who you really are, even if you don’t have a Lexus (bitch). It was short, sweet and fun…and starring my future husband, Mr. James McAvoy (swoon…).

Schedule a friend date. As long as you have a good friend, alcohol and a chick flick, it is sure to be a hit. Unless they show off their fancy car. In which case you should probably refuse to pay for the popcorn. On principle.

P.S. If you have/will see this movie, check out Penelope’s wardrobe. I covet it, especially the stockings and high heeled green Mary-Janes. Lordy.

I think the Internet has to be the best thing that’s ever happened to funny people. I mean, where else can we (and I use the term “we” very figuratively) mindlessly spout all of our hilarious stories and pretend that people are sitting at their computer laughing out loud at such humourous rhetoric. It makes us feel powerful and smart and clever. And in that way, the Internet could also be the worst thing to happen to funny people, because where would funny people be without all the rejection and humility that comes from telling a story and having someone stare at you blankly? But that’s a topic for a different post.

So, while perusing sites throughout the Interweb, I found one called Stuff White People Like. And it’s so spot on, it’s scary! A few exerpts from my favorites:

#69 Mos Def – He is everything that white people dream about: authentic (”he’s from Brooklyn!”), funny (”he was on Chapelle show!”), artistic (have you heard “Black on Both Sides?”), an actor (”he’s in the new Gondry film!”) and not white (”I don’t see race”).

He has done an amazing job of being in big budget movies (The Italian Job) and having one of his songs become a white person wedding staple (Ms. Fat Booty) but still retaining authenticity and credibility.

#49 Vintage – Beginning in their late teens, white people begin an obsession with finding cool vintage clothing at local thrift shops and Goodwills. Making purchases at these locations address a number of white person needs.

First, it allows them to say “oh, this? I got this shirt at Goodwill for $3.” This statement focuses the attention on the shirt, taking attention away from the $350 jeans and $200 shoes. The white person can then retain that precious ‘indie’ cred.

Secondly, it allows a white person to have something that other white people don’t. This is an important consideration when trying to determine the worth and ranking of white people.

#38 Arrested Development – They also love it because there are a few references to white popular culture, and if there is one thing that white people love, it’s cultural references that they understand (see Garden State, The Onion, and Juno for examples).

If you are ever a white person’s house, and you see an orange box in their DVD collection, you should say “oh, you have Arrested Development, I love that show!” To which you will be offered a glass of wine, and perhaps an invitation to 80s night.

#32 Vegan/Vegetarianism – As with many white people activities, being vegan/vegetarian enables them to feel as though they are helping the environment AND it gives them a sweet way to feel superior to others. For further evidence, note how the vegetarian world has increasing levels of extemism (no meat, no dairy, no eggs, no fish, nothing that has been cooked, etc).

Much like not watching TV, this makes white people pretty hard to deal with on a day to day basis – having dinner, going to restaurants, having them over to watch political debates all become major challenges as they will talk about how they cannot eat anything and would rather that the meat and cheese be thrown in the garbage than put into their bodies.

But wait, aren’t there white people who eat organice, grain fed, free range cattle and chicken? Yes, these white people are wracked with guilt knowing that they are eating a dead animal, contributing to rainforest deforestation, and global warming.

For more (and trust me, you’ll laugh your bum off) click here. But if you are a white person that was offended by any of the above (and if you are, then please, stop taking yourself so effing seriously), you may not want to click. The ones I posted are pretty tame, comparitively.