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A few months ago I decided to be happy. Yay me! To catch up on the Finding My Path Series, click here. To figure out why this all started, click here.

The funny thing about being a mother is when you decide you want to be happy, you can’t just do whatever you want to get there. I mean, I guess that’s true of everyone, but for mothers, there is another layer of pressure, another layer of restraint that holds you back from taking a big leap. It seems as if I have spent the last few months focusing on myself and my happiness, but the truth is when you’re a mother, even when you are focusing on yourself, you are always focusing on others. One of main reasons I started this whole journey was because I had become an unpleasant person and caregiver, and my kids deserved better. So I decided to be happy, and that has changed their lives as much (if not more) than it has affected my own.

I know no one likes to hear whining, especially in a series about happiness and growth, but I’m going to keep it real. The last few weeks have been hard for my family. Watching your six year old cry because she’s so exhausted after spending seven hours at school and three hours at after school care is horrible. Getting another call from daycare that your son has passed out again and knowing you can’t run to his side is horrible. When your kids are unhappy, it’s really, really horrible.

Here’s the thing, I like working out of the home. I like being a working mom. I like the example it sets for my children and how it teaches them the value of independence, equality and respect. I like the balance it gives myself and my husband in terms of contributions to our financial future. I like the fact that I am finally established in my industry and successful in my field.

What I don’t like is feeling like I can’t be there for my kids. And I know this is a story told a million places on the internet, but for me it’s become a difficult thing to tackle. Mostly because I now know that I am working toward a career that will make me creatively happy, but it could take a really long time. Until I get there, and in order for me to get there, I will have to stay put for a while…and that is causing my children pain. My inflexible schedule and the amount of hours I’m putting in are causing them sadness. Almost all females I know in my industry who have kids and are at my level or higher have family in town that help out on a daily or weekly basis. If they don’t, then they almost always have a spouse who works reduced hours. I don’t have either of those things (though I must say, Trent has stepped up in a major way the past few months, but his job is time consuming as well, and there is only so much either of us can do…), so my kids stay with caregivers that we must pay handsomely, more than our monthly mortgage payment, to keep our babes happy and healthy.

It’s not working.

It’s hard for me to say that, for so many reasons, but a big one is that I’ll be seen as a traitor to the working moms of the world. I was complaining one time about these issues to a friend and she said, “But that’s your deal. You’re the working mom and you’re proud of that.” And I am (read: paragraph 3 of this post)! But I don’t love what I do…I do it because it pays my bills and contributes to my family’s financial freedom. And while that’s an awesome thing, it’s extremely difficult to watch your kids become stressed out and unhappy so you can go to a job that you find mildly interesting, at best.

I don’t know what will happen next, but if I’ve learned anything on this journey, it’s that by just trying, just putting yourself out there, great things can happen. As long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep climbing that proverbial mountain, I am doing everything I can.