A Tiny Little Rant
I don’t really know where to start this whole thing. I’ve been having this argument in my head for weeks….I should post this. I shouldn’t post this. If I say what I’m feeling will I make someone else feel bad? What if saying this changes people’s opinions of me? What if people think I’m a bad mother?
Whatever. Let’s do this.
I don’t believe in mom guilt anymore. I mean, I understand lots of moms feel guilty, and I obviously understand at one point I felt horribly guilty myself, but today, I don’t. I’m not sure when it happened, all I know is one day I was leaving Lucy in daycare in tears and a few years later I left Tate behind without a single negative feeling.
My children are so happy. They smile and laugh and love like no little people I’ve ever known. I know it sounds like I’m trying to justify my choice to work…I’m sure that’s what many people reading this will think. But it’s more than that. I don’t have to justify my choice to anyone, not even my kids. Millions of babies are born around the world every day. MILLIONS. So many of those millions of children don’t have a good home or a happy family or food on their dinner plates. My children do. My children want for nothing (excepting maybe that American Girl doll accessory Lu keeps whining about). My children’s lives are filled with people who love them, care for them and bring positivity to their days.
A while ago, I was told by another mother that the way I parent is cruel. I won’t get into specifics, but we obviously have an idealogical difference of “cruelty.” Megan from five years ago would’ve burst into tears. She would’ve felt insecure and guilty and sad and like a failure.
Megan from today? She told said person to shut it (politely of course, she’s not an animal). She spoke of her fabulous almost six year old daughter and how despite any decisions, good or bad, that have been made, she has turned out fantasically. She talked about her beautiful son, who loves her wholly and with no pretenses. She said, quite firmly, that no matter how you mother, if you’re doing what is right for your family, you have no reason to feel guilty.
And I don’t.
I’ve talked about the guilt thing myself. I’ve finally realized I don’t have GUILT. I’m doing right by my family and myself and there is NO room for guilt in that. There may be a little tinge of sadness when I have to miss things, or a little jealousy when I see some of the other options, but guilt? Nope.
And calling your parenting cruel? That’s…I’m sorry, that’s ridiculous. Without knowing the specifics of course (I mean, if you’re tying your kids up and depriving them of food, I recant my statement), but where do people get off with that kind of judgment?
Thanks for the comment, Ginger. Yeah, the cruel thing was an offhand statement, but really rubbed me the wrong way (had to do with sleep training). Glad to hear I’m not the only one that is guilt free!
It is amazing how having a perfect child takes away any and all mom guilt. I look at my perfect son and wonder, exactly HOW could this have turned out any better?
Here’s one of our many posts in which we reject guilt, in this case working mom guilt: http://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2011/04/07/why-im-not-a-guilt-stricken-mother-and-why-the-patriarchy-sucks/ (I didn’t actually know it was something I was supposed to have until I started reading blogs!)
Liked your post, especially as I am dealing with my own guilt not as much about working but the way I feel when it’s hard, the way I feel about pumping and the other things I don’t do the way the books tell him. As the months go by, I’ve learned to trust my instincts. I only imagine the guilt will get easier as he turns out unscathed despite my attempts to ruin his perfect self.
Nicoleandmaggie – Thanks for the comment! Your post was hilarious…and so, so true! I just flat out refuse to feel bad anymore.
Sarah – I hear ya, sister. Pumping in the office supply closet for a year was awful. And I complained all the time, because IT WAS AWFUL! 🙂