Nightmares

Saturday night I had the most horrible, awful dream of all time. I think that part of it had to do with the fact that I went out to a bar last night in an attempt to “hang out” with a bunch of Trent’s guy friends and their significant others. For the first time in a long time, I almost wished I wasn’t pregnant. I was just so damn tired of feeling huge and hideous and boring. I felt how bitchy I was acting and just wished I could have a good time. I saw the girls dancing to the not-so-great band, just laughing and getting completely smashed.
Sucking down jacks and cokes quicker than I could down my sprite.

Then, last night, I had a dream that I lost the baby. And everything fell apart. I thought it was my fault for wishing I wasn’t pregnant. Trent left me. I started doing drugs. Lost my job.

And it was one of those horrible pregnant dreams where everything is more realistic than life itself. I finally woke up, sweaty and crying. And Trent was snoring next to me. And it took about 5 minutes before I realized I was still pregnant. I reached down and felt my belly and couldn’t feel her moving, and just knew something was wrong.

Then, she rolled over. And gave me a swift kick in the gut. And I have never felt such relief and joy in my whole life.

I guess I really do want this baby. More than anything in the world.