Grumples (because it’s about time)

Lately I’ve been all about the positivity here on this site and all other online areas. For such a long time I was just such a drain on the web…just wah wah wah wah about everything and anything. So much so that I even created the Grumples section on this site. But as my life changed and I (ahem) matured, I tried to make a concerned effort to keep my grumpy ranting to myself, instead focusing on my glass being half full.

But listen, people, I haven’t sleep through the night in MONTHS and the baby isn’t even here yet! So, damnit, I’m grumpy. And maybe if I just get it all out, I will feel better.

A few weeks back Trent took Lucy with him on a Secret Shopping excursion that he was participating in with one of his company’s partners. He had asked how I felt about Lucy’s participation, as this Secret Shopper experience was to take place at a pediatrician’s office (hence, the need for Lu to attend). I told him I wasn’t totally comfortable with it, but if he thought it was a good idea, I’d let him make the call. Note: This was a mistake. I should always make the call. The office apparently didn’t have separate waiting rooms for sick and well patients, and about two days later Lu came down with the WORST COLD EVER. Now, Trent will tell you that this cold could have come from anywhere, preschool, dance class, the playplace at the local Chic-Fil-A….that’s crap. It obviously came from this damn doctor’s office. How do I know? Because THIS IS ALL TRENT’S FAULT AND BECAUSE I SAID SO.

Side-effects of aforementioned cold equal not sleeping, coughing, sneezing, coughing, coughing, sounding like a cat with a hairball, and never-ending whining. Also, Lu wakes up at approximately 3:30 or 4 a.m. every morning coughing and crying. Now, if it was 2 a.m. or earlier, I would just dose her with some nightime cough medicine and send her on her merry way. I am an awesome parent. But as it’s later (earlier?) I can’t give her said medicine because the kid will then be knocked out and won’t get up for school on time. Which means I’m late for work, since I do preschool pick up and drop off. Which means I walk into yet ANOTHER meeting late and pregnant and hungry and grumpy and obviously I’m promoted and given a raise. Or not. More like not.

In order to try and avoid the nightime wake up we have tried the following: Nightime cough medicine before bed, cough suppressent, a humidifier in her room at night, a humidifier with cough reducing vapor stuff, Vicks vapor rub (both on the chest and on the feet like the crazy Internet told me to), a spoonful of honey, ice cold water, sacrificing my soul to satan and just ignoring the coughing until she finally almost chokes herself and throws up in her bed. Again, I am an awesome parent. You can just stop applauding now.

Obviously, the above treatments have not worked, as she keeps ending up in our bed at the same time, coughing her little head off. And by that point in the evening, I have probably already gotten a smashing 3 hours of sleep due to the hourly pee breaks I must take as Taco John performs karate in my stomach. I’m all, “Grasshopper, you need to chillax,” and he’s all “Eff you lady, hi-yaaa!” She lays in our bed, between the two of us, and it goes like this. Coughing fit, begs for water, coughing fit, 5 minutes of quiet, I start to fall asleep, she starts singing, I wake again, she asks for water, she tells me I’m pretty, coughing fit, starts talking about random crap that happened at school, coughing fit. Repeat.

Now, on top of all of that, she wants me to look at her, 2 inches from her face as she coughs. When I roll over with my back to her, she cries, “Mommy, I need you to look at meeeeeee!” And so I roll back over and she coughs in my face.

After about two hours of this, the coughing batteries run out and she falls asleep. As soon as she’s out, she rolls over and snuggles up with Trent, where they both remain until I attempt to wake them as I run out the door to work. After I tell them to get up about eleventy billion times, turn on all the lights, noisily get ready for the day, I finally shake them both and say, “I’m leaving. You figure out how to get to school on your own.” Then they both bounce up, oh no no no, you can’t leave!!! We need you!

At this point I usually bribe Lu to get dressed using jellybeans. Then we fight over what she is going to wear for about 15 minutes. Even though we pick out her outfits the night before and agree on them. Doesn’t matter. It’s always a battle. And she’s tired and sick, so it’s even worse. If it’s not one of three favorite dresses, I’m pretty much screwed. The other day she went to school in sweatpants, jelly sandals and a rhinestone studded thermal t-shirt.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned what an awesome parent I am.

Point being (really? I guess…) today I was talking to Trent’s mom on the phone. She wants to take Lu to her farm for a few days and I was warning her it may not be very fun with Sickly McSickpants coughing all night. She said to me, “Oh I heard. Trent said between you peeing all night and Lucy’s coughing, he isn’t sleeping very well.”

Really?

REALLY??!?!?!?!?!!!

Next time she wakes up coughing, I’m literally going to take her to our bed, place her coughing face right in front of Trent’s and take off for the nearest Holiday Inn. Just try and stop me.