12 Months (A Whole Freaking Year!)

Dear Lucy,

I’ve been agonizing for days over what I was going to write in the milestone post. As per usual, I have no idea, so let’s just see where my thoughts take us, shall we?!

Did I mention that you turned 1-year-old today? I hope so, because this is a VERY big deal. A year ago today I was laying in a hospital bed, my epidural was wearing off and I was scared out of my mind. I was so afraid I wouldn’t be able to do this. Afraid that being a parent would be too much for me. I wasn’t strong enough or smart enough and you’d end up a 17-year-old on the Jerry Springer show titled “How My Mom Ruined My Life.” Which, I suppose, could still happen, so if you decide to become a reality TV star, please remember how I breastfed you for a whole year. Seriously.

You really decided to show us in the last few weeks that, HELLO, you are no longer a baby. You are a toddler, and we’d better not forget it! I constantly catch you sitting on the floor with a book (upside down) in your hands talking to yourself. And you’ve started this sumo wrestler style of walking. You stomp around with a giant, goofy grin on your face, just looking for something to pull down off a shelf or table. Baby proofing cannot contain you. Hell, Attica couldn’t contain you, little one.

Yesterday was your first birthday party with friends and family, and of course, you were wonderful. Just stomping around in your little grass skirt and bikini top (did someone say Jerry Springer?) saying hi to everyone and attempting to escape to the outdoors. One really wonderful thing about you getting bigger, Lucy, is your ability to show no fear during times of extreme change or stress. You just dive right in, whether it’s going to a new person every day while I’m at work or attempting to crawl into your blue plastic boat and getting stuck or diving head first off the couch/bed/lap of whoever is holding you. You just laugh (and sometimes cry) and then move on. I wish I could be as flexible as you.

Moments like these are when I really wish I was a better writer. I wish I could fully explain how profoundly you’ve affected my life so people could grasp what an amazing little thing you are. It’s just incomprehensible that you are the little bean in my belly, all grown up. And not only could I do all of those motherly things I was afraid I’d be horrible at, I’m actually pretty good at them. You have made me a mother, and a wonderful one at that. You have given purpose to my life that is so much more than I ever expected. Just the thought of you makes me smile. The smell of your yummy little baby head brings tears to my eyes. Watching you learn and change and grow. Seeing how smart you are and how much you remind me of your father. When you nuzzle up in the bend of my neck and wrap your arms around me and sigh so deeply…these are things that I cannot imagine living without. And I don’t remember how I survived without them.

Happy birthday little monkey baby. I love you.

Love,
Mama